Not your chem class Eyewash

When you think Eyewash, what crosses your twisted mind? Those stations in chem class in case some idiot decides to apply the acid to his eye? Some backwards person referring to saline solution for contacts? Or is your mind really twisted and in the field of PR, and knowing that Eyewash is a very technical term for what basically amounts to professional sideshows to avoid real issues.

It's like politics, when you see them kissing babies and cutting ribbons. Especially if either event takes place when the politician is trying to avoid dealing with an important issue or is evading a troublesome question. Eyewash.

A picture is worth a thousand words, or even more when it allows you to dodge the fact that you still don't have the answer to the question that the public has been asking you for months. "Oh!! Pretty picture . . . I forgot what I was thinking that might delay your project or absolutely throw a spanner into the works." I am not clear on how well it works.

Often food accompanies it. Nothing says 'we will lull you into complacency' like chevre and other goodies. If you have money, add wine to the menu and watch the descending hordes forget that they ever had a quibble with what you're not saying. But of nearly as distracting quality is a good dessert. Make sure there is plenty of food, but don't set it all out at once. disguising the bounty of the refreshment table will lead to competitive consumers, and in the grip of the fight for the last multi grained cracker, the people will forget that they came to do anything besides box out at the buffet. Then the surge of endorphins the loser receives when you unveil the second platter will also contribute to your cause. Edible Eyewash. Yummy.

Question: Is Eyewash(ing) an ethical practice? I hesitate to answer yes or no. I think it needs to take into account the depth and frequency of the practice. If, say, you are required to hold 5 public meetings and only 1 or 1.73 of them are eyewash, not so bad. It could be that the answers to the probing questions were not yet available. If every meeting has some eyewash and some truth, it's in the gray area of the gray area. But if all 5 are Eyewash-y enough to qualify for FDA labeling, then you are lying to people by gross omission.

These are the things I learn at work, mainly in the execution of Project Negative Value. But don't limit its application to hopeless endeavors. Please, feel free to use it for

• Board meetings (The bottom line is that our budget is not going to break eve . . . Who did the graphics in this powerpoint? I love that dancing guy in the corner. He's hilarious),
  
• Family gatherings (So Honey, when are you going to settle down and marry hi . . . ohh look, brownie bites! And where ever did you get this darling purse? It matches your eyes),
• Meetings with your boss
  
• IRS Audits
• When your girlfriend is pressuring you
• etc.

I hope this empowers you to forsake your qualms about not answering a question and to dodge, duck, evade, and avoid with flair. May the Ends be worthy of this fine Means.