How to throw an uncomfortable party

So, I have mentioned the reorganizational fiesta that has taken place here where I work. The one in which Earnesto pandered to the majority of the people like a middle school kid vying for popularity by shuffling out 2.5 of the most disliked people in positions of authority. These were also the people who had the tendency to rain on the Project Negative Value, throwing unwanted bricks of reality into the mix. Not part of Team Feel-good, not big believers in Boyish Charm or unwarranted optimism. And now, definitely not card-carrying members of the I-Love-Earnesto club.

So, in the beginning of the month we had the first major farewell, celebrated in a low key fashion with a brunch drop-by. I planned it,with the help of some other very useful souls. It was stressful, but simple, and executed with relative ease. Fond Farewells to our HR director, who, despite some people's belief, was not in partnership with the Devil. Best wishes to the Midwest.

Last night we had the second major farewell, our CFO. I generally actually am not a big fan of her. She has been a bit of an old battle-axe, and I can't count how many times she threatened to stop my pay until I did what she wanted. But after 17 years, anyone deserves better than people singing 'Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead.' In fact, I think probably it is an indelible human right not to be treated that shabbily. Plus, it doesn't help that Earnesto announced her pending departure and then expected her to stay in and work harder than ever before on his pet project, Negative Value. I think it is like picking someone's pocket before you throw them overboard. Not fair play.

Again, I was assigned the planning role. Unfortunately Battleaxe had developed some very definite ideas about what it should be, and so had her crazy assistant. Somehow it would come out of my budget, and be the farewell of their dreams. That's not how it works. You take what you are given.

Not if you are Battleaxe. She told us she wanted a wine and cheese night, which really mucked up planning. It had to be after hours. We had to buy wine etc, I won't give you the painful details, but more than once I swore that the Hatchet (Battleaxe's assistant) was going to be the death of me. And last night was the pinnacle of the ridiculosity.

But enough with the Complaining. I said How-To. Here We Go:

• Make sure the person that the party is for is not well liked. It means that the people there will be split between the few that do lie her, those who are obligated, and those who want to make sure the body is cold/dance on the grave.
  
• Make it at an awkward time. Ideally, you would need to reschedule 2-3 other essential meetings to make it happen. It's even batter if you can arrange a meeting that the boss has to go to midway through, so it's a little reminder that the honoree is important, but not that important.
  
• Plan for a ridiculous number of people, and invite the world. We planned for 75 people, in an organization that max employs 375. That way when the majority of people do not show up, it is patently apparent with gobs of space and plates of food and bottle of wine that won't even get close to being touched. I think we maybe had 40 people, including incidental foot traffic. Can you say awkward?
• Have wine. Alcohol is a great social lubricant. It is also a bit tragically hilarious when the institution drunk indulges and gets soused enough to be utterly ridiculous in front of the two or three visiting dignitaries, and then announces he is going to get back to work. Furthermore, it allows for the awkward toasting moment when everyone seems to have a glass, and not one can think of a good reason to hoist it up besides 'Good riddance.'
• Make sure the cohosts at this close to snapping and getting in a fist fight. If one is for some reason unable to lift heavy objects, it helps, because the heavy lifter is then tempted to heave the table into the other person's head, and it shows.
  
• However, to keep it in the realm of party and not bloodsport, put away the corkscrew and dispose of any empty bottles as they arise.
  
• Do not plan a clean up strategy or a closing time. Nothing says uncomfortable like the visible gasps for breath a party has when an hour in the same people are looking desperately around for an excuse to leave, and no one has the courage to kill it.
  
• Finally, plan another going away party for the next night, to be held at a inconvenient location, and frequently have the honoree mention who will be coming to that party in a manner that looks like a desperate bid to prove that they have friends. Nothing shows a lame party for what it is like the comment that the next party will be much better.
  

All I have to say, is in 16 years if I am still here, please just take me out back and shoot me. Then it won't be so strange that m going away party feels like a wake.