the things i have learned

As I said before, I am in charge of Marie's farewell, Beer and Oysters on the beach. As I said before, I am not fond of either of these items. But luckily, Pierre is going to manfully step up on the seafood end and order the oysters and assume responsibility when the bill comes to something ridiculous and Earnesto chokes on his redbull when he has to sign the invoice. Way to go Pierre. I deeply appreciate you for this.

Still, this leaves the beer to me, not a beer aficionado. I was told it needed to be a keg. I have definitely never gotten a keg. Unless you are talking about a keg of hot chocolate for cold carolers, that I have done more than once, along with the stocking of one Pink Pam Manner's Silver Samovar with wedding punch. That's just how I roll. But kegs, no, not in my line.

But apparently in my line of duty. I now have to find the most recent male college graduate and find out how one goes about this. Maybe I'll charm someone into taking this one over. If not, I will be sure to add it to my skill set on my resumé: Able to Procure Kegs on appropriate occasions.

Maybe one day I will show you a brief glance at my resumé. It has become something of a joke.

plotting a karaoke ambush

In my position at this institution, I have been in the position to plan many a going-away "parties." That is put in quotes because sometimes it is a party, sometimes a funeral, sometimes just a going through the motions, and sometimes, like with good-old Battleaxe, it was a chance to kick 'em while they're down/dance on grave. Next up is Marie's farewell: Beer and oysters on the beach. I applaud her simple vision, but can't help but think of the irony that she wants to feed a bunch of people oysters after an oil spill. Neither of the above items really appeals to me, yet I have to plan. It's proving to be a bit sticky, but I will contrive.

But it begs the question: Who will plan my party? Marie will be gone. Earnesto doesn't do details. That is the extent of my lauded department. Conclusion, I will plan my party.

This simultaneously sucks and has it's benefits. Foremost amongst the benefits is that I will allow myself to do whatever is in my imagination. I was talking to the head of HR about it, and she said it sounded pretty awesome. Complete Carte Blanche.

So when I come up with a devilishly good idea(with my creative engines) (and I have) like making it a karaoke party, and asking Earnesto to sing a song for my final request, I will not shoot my idea down. I will say instead, "Self, that sounds like a capital idea, and well within the budget I have established for this party." And Then I will say "Self, thanks for understanding what I am trying to envision." Fabulous. Finally, I get to plot my karaoke ambush.

As for songs that I will ask for Earnesto to sing, I will take written submissions. Although I would love to have it be something like "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Or something by Debbie Harry or Madonna. Or Barry Manilow. There are just so many ways to be cruel on this one.

The intervening moments of life

I know I promised to continue my previous post, but I have neglected in my brief moment of laborial satisfaction to post a few things. First, congrats Camille, for getting that new position at the institution. True, I'll miss you like crazy since you won't be in the cell/cubicle next to me anymore. What will life be without those ridiculous calls between two people less than 15 feet apart? Also, who will I exchange catty gossip with about senior staff (besides Marie, or Bonnie, or Adelaide or a handful of other people such a the head of HR)? But props to you for escaping this cellblock and building. I only wish you were a) not located next to the desk of that media guy who loathes me and b) seated a little closer to the girl with the Scharfenberger chocolate. I take comfort in the fact that it all might change really soon, since they are undergoing the joys of curling for beginners in that building.

Secondly, I would like to say I have reclaimed my brother from the brink of banality. Just as far back as July, he was saying Travis was his favorite band. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Travis, but really, if they are your favorite band you probably are going to eat banana cream pudding for your crazy-go-wild dessert and finish out the evening watching My Best Friend's Wedding. Not a horrible fate, but he is a 21-year-old boy, he should like something really far-out (in either the direction of vile taste (ie. Linkin Park) or towards something surprisingly good (in the realm of My Morning Jacket)). It's like what I think Oliver Wendell Holmes said about politics, there is plenty of time to play it safe when you get older. Anyway, brother dearest has since backed down from his dangerously boring position.

Third, Earnesto will be gone for 3 of the next 4 weeks. Say no more.

Fourth, and most importantly, NBA season starts on Tuesday, opening with the Boys playing Portland. Guess who's leaving work early that day??

In support of the last fact, I link to this. No, I'll embed it. Enjoy!!

Welcome to the Twilight Zone

Things have been a little strange around here lately. I have fleetingly been experiencing something that the astute reader might realize is highly unlikely, job satisfaction. So unprecedented is this state that it has momentarily and profoundly shaken my patterns of usual behaviour. But more on that Later, let's just examine why it is so marvelous that I might actually want to go to work this week.

Why it is Crazy

a) I have actually been working on Project Negative Value. It isn't something that usually brings me great levels of joy on a usual basis. Actually, usually discussion of this project makes me want to Sylvia Plath myself (stick my head in the oven, not read The Bell Jar). It still sort of does. But this time I was doing work that I secretly hope will help derail the futility.

b) I have had to go to MEETINGS OF DOOM where there was lots of yelling and pointed questions and when we weren't meeting, we were prepping materials for the next meeting, which would commence as soon as the latest edit was done.

c) I had no time to do a Pirate quiz or virtual yahtzee. Having to work at work usually sucks.

Why I enjoyed it

a) I was able to do analysis. Marie is probably going to catch it from letting me take a break from my regular scheduling duties (from which I was already on enforced hiatus because there are only so many hours you can schedule). But she asked me to do what I have been university trained to do: analyze. And it involved research. My toes are curling at the very thought.

b) I was treated as an expert. I was all of the sudden a trusted source of information, someone who had answers, or if I didn't have them right then, I could get them. My initiatives were treated as insight the would have otherwise been unable to obtain. It doesn't matter that I am not an expert and anyone with half a brain and internet access could have collected the same information, and anyone with a working knowledge of, and a working calculator could have done it.

c) I was praised. Relying on someone and thanking them are two different things entirely, which is something I do not think that Earnesto has yet learned.

d) A little more indicative of my character flaws, I really enjoyed being part of something that throws a spanner into Earnesto's pie-in-the-sky dreaming. As my roommate has frequently said, I really f@#$% his s#$% up.

More on this later

Discretion is passé

I think that every workplace the size of the institution that I work for has to have a complete jerk who spends copious amounts of time doing nothing but drive everyone around them nuts. The one that stands out today (and most every other day) I will call John, after John McEnroe, because this is a person that thrills to argument. He thrives on conflict, he runs around fighting battles that really have very little to do with himself because he can, and no one has figured out a way to stop him, short of a nuclear explosion. He makes administration hellish.

Today he sent a email, political positioning that would only be tenuously supported because it was sent on the personal list serve. But of course he had to go so far as to make it a personal attack against someone that we do business with, a relationship that works very much more in our advantage. True, Businessman X has been known to ruffle many feathers on the SF scene, but you don't make a billion without breaking some people. Or whatever. But still, group emails on work accounts should not be a platform to launch attacks. Especially not such ridiculously short-sighted ones.

I mean, he enjoys a salary based in part on the revenue generated by Businessman X's association with us, so where does John get off trying to crucify him as a person?

So I forwarded it onto Marie, who hates John. We were once sitting in a meeting with some VIPs and John got up to speak. She leans over to me and says "someone should light John on fire." That's some pretty potent animosity for two people who have shared a workplace for 15+ years. Or maybe it's understandable. Either way, Marie LOST IT.

Admittedly, ever since the reorg her mouth issued some statements that have boggled my mind. This is the person who constantly lectured me on discretion in my position, constantly took time to correct me if she thought I was saying too much. When I said we should take it into her office, not the oh so public hallway, she asked why. She said, "I'm past the point where I have to consider discretion." So, I guess, is John.

What will probably happen is Earnesto will gently reprimand the both of them in a non-committal way, because no one sent him the memo/map that shows the point of discretion was passed by some months back. We shot meteorically past it, or so it would seem. Earnesto probably still quotes "discretion is the better part of valor." He's got himself some learning. But what he doesn't realize is that Falstaff, who said it, doesn't make it to the end of the series, and dies of some disease instead of in battle, and is also considered comic relief. I guess it all sort of transfers. Earnesto can be pretty hilarious with his bright-eyed opportunistic nature. And I wouldn't be surprised if he too ends up in ignominy.

So, today's lesson is, Shelve discretion. Stop biting your tongue and say give that blistering diatribe you have been perfecting in your mind through years of silence. And, as a corollary, start looking for a new job.

When Things are officially strange

With Earnesto out for the rest of the week, I was at liberty to waste time with the maximum efficiency today. I did so well I didn't have time to write at work. But prior to playing games, taking quizzes, and leaving a word for Henry, I took the time to review my resumé and update it. I felt pretty satisfied with my changes. But when I in passing mentioned my actions to my supervisor Marie, she had some strong feelings. As in editorial changes to improve my chances in getting hired somewhere away from this crazy-house.

And that's jut it. You know things are odd when your supervisor is editing your c.v. You know things are strange when she encourages you to go on vacation and work from home. You know things are off when you spend 30 minutes discussing humus.

But on the upside, I think my resumé is rocking. And I have time to play Yahtzee.

Just because I'm emotional, doesn't mean I wrong

Have you ever been really upset about something? Felt really passionatly about an issue? Had your opinion dismissed completely out of hand because if you actially care, you can't be righ? Or can you?

Earnesto once told me that when I vent about a person or issue, he is unable to really consider my opinions on the matter as valid because "they're just so emotional." Newsflash: Emotional doesn't mean wrong. It just means emotional. It doesn't mean right either.

So I watch him ignore Marie (my real boss) and her actually really valid opinions because she is upset about the issue. Who wouldn't be upset when someone totally usurps their power and treats them like trash? But hey, however ticked off she is, it doesn't mean that she isn't aware of all the issues that go into moving office space and etc. It's in her pervue.