I was reading Tim Duncan's bio on a site, and it inspired me to, along with my overwhelming sense of cynicism on this Friday of joy and gladness (only 5 days of work left! Exciting!) write something brutally true and yet over the top exaggerated. and that would be how my institution eats its young.
Not the visiting young, but the new employees. I don't know if this is the case in the real world with real money dollar jobs, but I have seen a lot of super-swift hire-quit actions go down here. Let me explain how somehow, a renowned institution of 400+ employees has built a management system that contrives to suck the souls out of people.
Scenario 1: The impossible situation
There is one senior manager here (and by here, I mean collecting a fat paycheck) who actually lives in New York and is getting her doctorate. I'm not sure how that works. Who okayed this? I mean, what person in there right mind said, 'ah yes Barbie, we should pay her a lot and make her supervisor of 15 people on site, but pay for her to live far away and come to town whenever she wants'? I guess it could work, if she was a stellar manager/communicator, but here no one is a stellar communicator, and Barbie is worst than most.
A testament to this is the way that she can't keep people working for here for any long period of time. New hires are not hired/interviewed by her, so they are never forewarned of her *&*#*&-ness. Barbie will then roll into the scene at her leisure, and about 50% of the time, after the visit we are looking for a new hire. The swiftest hire-quit process I saw was within 24 hours of Barbie's landing at SFO. I am not sure if this is her record. I feel a little bad. The only ones who make it are just like her. It's an impossible situation for people who do not want to become conniving.
Scenario 2: Failure to drink the kool-aid
This is common, when the person hired has been a little lured in by our "mission" and "vision." Then they get in and take a good scope around and see that those were some really awesome pretty-lies we construct in order to not hate ourselves at the end of the day. Many people cut and run at this point. A few stick around, and some get so caught up in the kool-aid that they ask to franchise the stuff so they can peddle it to other unsuspecting folk.
An example of this can be seen, ironically, in our recruiter. He started in October. His last day is Wednesday. Which is too bad for Earnesto, because it means the person he was counting on to find my replacement will not be there. Which kind of means it will be a long time before there is a replacement. Oops!
Scenario 3: They saw behind the curtain
Last year for Camille's birthday, we, plus Renaldo, went to lunch. This was still when Renaldo was having a death-crush on Camille, and as part of his awkward ritual mating dance he had the Hopes & Dreams talk. Way too early in the wooing, buddy. No wonder you failed. But even at the time it was apparent that of the three of us, I was a #2, and they were going to either be lifers or have a #3 moment sometime soon. hopes and dreams don't make it very long here.
Think about it in these terms: Under the guise of 'creative engines,' the place sucks hopes and dreams up and then uses them to power the institution's Project Negative Value. I envision the movement to be similar to that of the beast in Yeats' poem "The Second Coming," slouching towards the target.
When people see past the eyewash and the kool-aid, what they basically see is the machine room of the Hopes & Dreams giant vacuum, and scales fall from eyes quickly. This is how we lose the most promising talent. They go and say, hey, if there is going to be a wizard behind the curtain, it should be something that grants wishes, or at least looks like Cary Grant, and not something that will eventually see me a dried up old bag with no additional training. And then they leave (usually not until I have told them something embarrassing about myself; they have phenomenal interrogation skills).
Showing posts with label eyewash. Show all posts
Showing posts with label eyewash. Show all posts
Friday, December 14, 2007
alack! alas!
I spoke too soon when I said yesterday that I was feeling unsmirchable, even if it involved Rusty. Last night I had this very besmirching dream about him. I will have to undergo therapy relating to it for several years, if not decades.
What can cleanse my mind? Perhaps some eyewash?
What can cleanse my mind? Perhaps some eyewash?
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
With Defiance, and some peanut butter
Yesterday was one of the few days of the year when anyone who thinks at his fine institution that they should have say over what I do piles it up (their insane requests) and then drops it on me like a ten ton truck. I had to work. In fact, I have a surfeit of actual work to do right now. And what am I doing? Blogging, with defiance, and some peanut butter.
Because I don't think we are seeing eye to eye right now. How outrageous is it that I requested access to the datebase of contact information for people I am supposed to be trying to schedule with Earnesto?? In my crazy pov, the only outrage is that the request has to go through 3 people now. Earnesto's always talking about how we need to act nimbly (that's a quote). Well, my nimbility on this issue is being severely impaired by spangly hoops I am being forced to jump through.
Furthermore, just because someone is working on Project Negative Value, it does not make them my boss. It makes them a b-f-b = blind-following-blind. Or Lemming. Some people didn't get that memo. Maybe they were being distracted by some eyewash. I hope they choke on it.
Please pardon my vitriolic rage. It appears we are fresh out of pinatas
Because I don't think we are seeing eye to eye right now. How outrageous is it that I requested access to the datebase of contact information for people I am supposed to be trying to schedule with Earnesto?? In my crazy pov, the only outrage is that the request has to go through 3 people now. Earnesto's always talking about how we need to act nimbly (that's a quote). Well, my nimbility on this issue is being severely impaired by spangly hoops I am being forced to jump through.
Furthermore, just because someone is working on Project Negative Value, it does not make them my boss. It makes them a b-f-b = blind-following-blind. Or Lemming. Some people didn't get that memo. Maybe they were being distracted by some eyewash. I hope they choke on it.
Please pardon my vitriolic rage. It appears we are fresh out of pinatas
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Pictures are not always Eyewash
Not for everyone, and don't assume I agree with his analysis, but good heck, these things are funny. I can't wait for him to get to the Spurs pick. I also wish these were actual Little People. Pay attention, Fisher Price.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Not your chem class Eyewash
When you think Eyewash, what crosses your twisted mind? Those stations in chem class in case some idiot decides to apply the acid to his eye? Some backwards person referring to saline solution for contacts? Or is your mind really twisted and in the field of PR, and knowing that Eyewash is a very technical term for what basically amounts to professional sideshows to avoid real issues.
It's like politics, when you see them kissing babies and cutting ribbons. Especially if either event takes place when the politician is trying to avoid dealing with an important issue or is evading a troublesome question. Eyewash.
A picture is worth a thousand words, or even more when it allows you to dodge the fact that you still don't have the answer to the question that the public has been asking you for months. "Oh!! Pretty picture . . . I forgot what I was thinking that might delay your project or absolutely throw a spanner into the works." I am not clear on how well it works.
Often food accompanies it. Nothing says 'we will lull you into complacency' like chevre and other
goodies. If you have money, add wine to the menu and watch the descending hordes forget that they ever had a quibble with what you're not saying. But of nearly as distracting quality is a good dessert. Make sure there is plenty of food, but don't set it all out at once. disguising the bounty of the refreshment table will lead to competitive consumers, and in the grip of the fight for the last multi grained cracker, the people will forget that they came to do anything besides box out at the buffet. Then the surge of endorphins the loser receives when you unveil the second platter will also contribute to your cause. Edible Eyewash. Yummy.
Question: Is Eyewash(ing) an ethical practice? I hesitate to answer yes or no. I think it needs to take into account the depth and frequency of the practice. If, say, you are required to hold 5 public meetings and only 1 or 1.73 of them are eyewash, not so bad. It could be that the answers to the probing questions were not yet available. If every meeting has some eyewash and some truth, it's in the gray area of the gray area. But if all 5 are Eyewash-y enough to qualify for FDA labeling, then you are lying to people by gross omission.
These are the things I learn at work, mainly in the execution of Project Negative Value. But don't limit its application to hopeless endeavors. Please, feel free to use it for
It's like politics, when you see them kissing babies and cutting ribbons. Especially if either event takes place when the politician is trying to avoid dealing with an important issue or is evading a troublesome question. Eyewash.
A picture is worth a thousand words, or even more when it allows you to dodge the fact that you still don't have the answer to the question that the public has been asking you for months. "Oh!! Pretty picture . . . I forgot what I was thinking that might delay your project or absolutely throw a spanner into the works." I am not clear on how well it works.
Often food accompanies it. Nothing says 'we will lull you into complacency' like chevre and other
goodies. If you have money, add wine to the menu and watch the descending hordes forget that they ever had a quibble with what you're not saying. But of nearly as distracting quality is a good dessert. Make sure there is plenty of food, but don't set it all out at once. disguising the bounty of the refreshment table will lead to competitive consumers, and in the grip of the fight for the last multi grained cracker, the people will forget that they came to do anything besides box out at the buffet. Then the surge of endorphins the loser receives when you unveil the second platter will also contribute to your cause. Edible Eyewash. Yummy.Question: Is Eyewash(ing) an ethical practice? I hesitate to answer yes or no. I think it needs to take into account the depth and frequency of the practice. If, say, you are required to hold 5 public meetings and only 1 or 1.73 of them are eyewash, not so bad. It could be that the answers to the probing questions were not yet available. If every meeting has some eyewash and some truth, it's in the gray area of the gray area. But if all 5 are Eyewash-y enough to qualify for FDA labeling, then you are lying to people by gross omission.
These are the things I learn at work, mainly in the execution of Project Negative Value. But don't limit its application to hopeless endeavors. Please, feel free to use it for
- Board meetings (The bottom line is that our budget is not going to break eve . . . Who did the graphics in this powerpoint? I love that dancing guy in the corner. He's hilarious),
- Family gatherings (So Honey, when are you going to settle down and marry hi . . . ohh look, brownie bites! And where ever did you get this darling purse? It matches your eyes),
- Meetings with your boss
- IRS Audits
- When your girlfriend is pressuring you
- etc.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Your mission, which you should reject and run screaming the other way: Project Negative Value
When I joined this Ship of the Damned more than a year ago, my predecessor made fleeting mention to Project Negative Value as if it was a done deal. It turns out she too was infected with the pernicious optimism that has struck many a coworker in this institution.
For starters, she didn't call it by its proper name, she called it something more like "Daisies and ponies and cupcakes." But let me tell you. Even if you bought a tons of all three, it wouldn't be nearly as expensive or ridiculous as Project Negative Value. In fact, negative value is only one of the valuable phrases I've learnt in my position. The other key phrase is Eyewash, which will be dealt with separately.
Story: When I was younger and still residing in the bosom of my familial unit, my mother told me the cardinal rule of any contractual work is that you should automatically add 50% to the highest bid and assume that is the true cost. That's for work like getting that deck built. I am assuming that large institutional work type projects that involve for serious work would be 75-100% tack on estimate clause. But then again, I was never an optimist.
Cost and practicality were introduced to the project with the last four months or so. That's not fair, there were a couple people who always knew the score, despite the fact that the masses were apparently inhabiting a parallel universe. The savvy persons were told to keep quiet and stop raining on their parade of fools. Even with the recent smack of reality, the majority still maintains plausibility to the project. I am of the opinion that there is equal plausibility to bankruptcy in the near future.
It is as if the institution has arrived at the point that is similar to in the Wasteland: "What shall I do, whatever shall I do?" They are running around with their heads in the clouds and blithely unaware of the imminent danger posed by Project Negative Value. Or they are playing at this: millions have been spent and they refuse to admit they are throwing the money into the dirty water of the bay hand over fist, so they will soldier on in vain.
Project Negative Value Timeline
For starters, she didn't call it by its proper name, she called it something more like "Daisies and ponies and cupcakes." But let me tell you. Even if you bought a tons of all three, it wouldn't be nearly as expensive or ridiculous as Project Negative Value. In fact, negative value is only one of the valuable phrases I've learnt in my position. The other key phrase is Eyewash, which will be dealt with separately.
Story: When I was younger and still residing in the bosom of my familial unit, my mother told me the cardinal rule of any contractual work is that you should automatically add 50% to the highest bid and assume that is the true cost. That's for work like getting that deck built. I am assuming that large institutional work type projects that involve for serious work would be 75-100% tack on estimate clause. But then again, I was never an optimist.
Cost and practicality were introduced to the project with the last four months or so. That's not fair, there were a couple people who always knew the score, despite the fact that the masses were apparently inhabiting a parallel universe. The savvy persons were told to keep quiet and stop raining on their parade of fools. Even with the recent smack of reality, the majority still maintains plausibility to the project. I am of the opinion that there is equal plausibility to bankruptcy in the near future.
It is as if the institution has arrived at the point that is similar to in the Wasteland: "What shall I do, whatever shall I do?" They are running around with their heads in the clouds and blithely unaware of the imminent danger posed by Project Negative Value. Or they are playing at this: millions have been spent and they refuse to admit they are throwing the money into the dirty water of the bay hand over fist, so they will soldier on in vain.
Project Negative Value Timeline
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