Another priceless gem from the vault

So, once again I was sorting through my past emails, and found a wonderful letter that you could either take seriously or as an elaborate joke, take your pick. I will have to cut bits for privacy, and maybe add in some notes to orient the reader, but please, enjoy this offering.

DRAFT OF IMPASSIONED LETTER TO ****** REX

Dearest ****** Rex -

I am not quite sure how to start this letter, there is just so much in my heart to say. I suppose I'll start with this, tucked away in my copy of Wassily Kandinsky's Concerning the Spiritual in Art lays carefully preserved that engagement happy note and ring that you sent to me on that fateful Wednesday that seems so long ago, but remains a constant memory. That may not mean much to you, considering the way I broke things off at dinner group and then became engaged to your roommate, but I implore you to read what I have to say to you.

I my defense, although there is no excuse for my rash actions and callous treatment of your heart, I was young, merely 22, and unprepared for the significant step of becoming betrothed. But as I approach the age of 23, I realize that I was a fool without all the important facts to inform my decisions. Truly, I was short-sighted.

For I hadn't realized that you were in graduate school for electrical engineering. That alone makes you highly attractive. Add in the fact that your middle name is REX and you are nearly irresistible. And furthermore, the absolute coup de gràce, you are both R's cousin, and D G's roommate. What more can I say?

You may have heard the tale of the man who once offered to fill the space in my heart. While he was seriously creepy and caused me to run home and hide in [another apartment] and not answer the phone for days, he was also right. There is a hole in my heart, and I was wondering if you could find it within yourself to forgive me, and try to fill that space. You may also be able to erase the black spot on my soul from the 2000 Sydney Summer Olympics.

I ask that you please disregard any and all information you may have heard recently about my commuter crush. While I do spend ridiculous amounts of time with him, he is just a paltry placeholder; he could never compare to you. The scales have fallen from my eyes, [feather boa blue] hair is now rust colored. His eyes may be the color of a kitchen table, but so are yours.

If you forgive me, and renew your offer of engagement, I promise that I will consider changing my last name to [yours], but not seriously and only for a short time.

What more can I say? I am not sure I have the words to articulate the things I could say.

Questions or comments? Please feel free to write or phone.

Adoringly and obsessed with your middle name,
E