when it all ends

I am writing this now, and posting it now, and dating it for January 4, because that is when I should really do it, but I won't have the time that day. I'll probably update this as we go along, but I wanted to take the time to thank people properly, real names and everything, for the time I have spent here.

Christina - heaven knows that without you I would not have been hired, and without you, I would have gone crazy a million times over. Thanks for everything that you taught me, and for not killing me when I made the huge mistakes, and thank you most for the times when you and I just sat in your office and talked about any and everything. Thanks for understanding me. Thank you for LISTENING. I know we will be friends for life.

Jessica - without you, I probably would have lost it tens times over. Thank you for your innocence and belief that things will truly get better. For every cynic like me, the world needs a wonderer like you.

Frank - I know I will never meet you, but you had uncompromising vision and a magnetism to bring people so different together. You continue to do the impossible, even from the beyond.

Jeff - I know you are now gone, but you were an ally when I needed one, and a baker for every occasion.

Ginny - We had some friction, but you never stinted on praise when it was due.

Debra - Also gone, thanks for the scone.

Blake - my first 'friend' here, you were always amusing, and that is important

Jennifer - Stoic was never so awesome as it is with you. So reliable, and able to take the fireworks.

Andy H - I kept my word, and left when I said I would.

Kendall - another one, gone, and the reason everyone loves you is because you are truly amazing. Thanks for being an example for going after you dream.

Patty - Always good humored, always in early. So sunny, really.

Bhavik - For having hopes & dreams, and letting me make fun of your idealism

Dave - For being everything that let you be #9 Dave.

Gail - Thanks for being crazy, and being okay with it

Shelley - Genuinely nice people are hard to find, but you are one of them

Sherry - rides and therapy and the inside scoop

Amy - She who provides chocolate has many friends. But she who is a friend has more. Good luck with your fleet of friends.

Linda H - Gone, but never forgotten. always thinking of the little person, and I can't think of someone I would rather plan a holiday party with.

Bernard - When someone can get me to laugh about my grandmother, and let me hide in their office, pretty amazing.

Dana - For inventing the venting chair. For keeping in touch with George. For being you

Donna C - For being willing to offer your two cents, and asking before you offer.

Kurt - You make everyone smile

Daniel - For being the Queen of the place, and for not apologizing for yourself.

George - For banter, for being another stable person

Abbey - For being the Go-between

Tory - For you surliness, and for sense of humor

Maggie - One of five, and being nicely honest

Ken - For recognizing someone on the breaking point, and helping me put out tablecloths, and talk on rainy days

Hashim - Next time, I'll let you look at the HD TVs, I promise. We do make a great team. And, if we did get married, you are right, I wouldn't have to change my last name. I hope your wife understands

Suzanne - What can I say? (giggle)

Linda B - Because in those weeks when we talked to each other every day, I had a peer group

Jolie - Don't let the mold grow on you, get out while the getting is good

Dennis H - I barely know you, but you have some snarking skills that are undeniable. Nothing brings people together like a shared apathy

Ben - If you knew about this list, I'm sure you would be surprised you are on it. But you are. What do you think about that? Because I don't know what to think about it.

Bill - for treating me like a professional, even in the manifest times when I was not being one

Sierra - For being one of five and a great neutral zone

Laura J - For always laughing. No matter what you say, I don't believe that we really stole your youth.

Kua - for always being willing to cancel the appointment

Joanne - again one of the five, and a force to be reckoned with

Mike - Always said hello. Allow me to say you are made for better things than this

Rose - for adopting me, and letting me see people through your eyes

Miss Meg - When we became friends, I don't know, but we are. And for being you at all times

Ron - every institution needs a loose cannon

Deb - for always being willing to come running

Laura Z - I hope this doesn't ruin you

Sue - Sassy is always in style

Julie - Striving for excellence and setting the standard, and being willing to help

Modesto - for caring deeply about the things I couldn't spare a thought for

Paul - the example of a lifelong learner

Dave B - for always delivering, and good work too

Alana - unintentional comic relief

Maena - you are what you are

Danilo - all those times I said Jason was my favorite? I was lying. You are so personable and the combo of linguistics and geography is intriguing

Jason - Staying late is a thankless job. So thank you

Jen K-L - you want to learn and you want to help, and that is what counts

Mark - you are the guide to style and catty remarks

Chris - always ready to stand the joke, and deal with my harangues

Graham - Service with a smile will never go out of style. Do you have a pair of scissors, by any chance?

Ruth - For being so level on the surface, and dealing with the crap

Sam - For believing in the legend and mythology, and being so jovial

Ellyn - for keeping us from gross errors

Peter - For the oysters, what else can I say? An artist.

Shawn - because you created my favorite exhibit, not that I ever told you




I'm sure there will be more, but I'm going slow.

happy birthday brother

hope your day went well and at least one person gave you cup cakes.

we suck young blood

I was reading Tim Duncan's bio on a site, and it inspired me to, along with my overwhelming sense of cynicism on this Friday of joy and gladness (only 5 days of work left! Exciting!) write something brutally true and yet over the top exaggerated. and that would be how my institution eats its young.

Not the visiting young, but the new employees. I don't know if this is the case in the real world with real money dollar jobs, but I have seen a lot of super-swift hire-quit actions go down here. Let me explain how somehow, a renowned institution of 400+ employees has built a management system that contrives to suck the souls out of people.

Scenario 1: The impossible situation
There is one senior manager here (and by here, I mean collecting a fat paycheck) who actually lives in New York and is getting her doctorate. I'm not sure how that works. Who okayed this? I mean, what person in there right mind said, 'ah yes Barbie, we should pay her a lot and make her supervisor of 15 people on site, but pay for her to live far away and come to town whenever she wants'? I guess it could work, if she was a stellar manager/communicator, but here no one is a stellar communicator, and Barbie is worst than most.

A testament to this is the way that she can't keep people working for here for any long period of time. New hires are not hired/interviewed by her, so they are never forewarned of her *&*#*&-ness. Barbie will then roll into the scene at her leisure, and about 50% of the time, after the visit we are looking for a new hire. The swiftest hire-quit process I saw was within 24 hours of Barbie's landing at SFO. I am not sure if this is her record. I feel a little bad. The only ones who make it are just like her. It's an impossible situation for people who do not want to become conniving.

Scenario 2: Failure to drink the kool-aid
This is common, when the person hired has been a little lured in by our "mission" and "vision." Then they get in and take a good scope around and see that those were some really awesome pretty-lies we construct in order to not hate ourselves at the end of the day. Many people cut and run at this point. A few stick around, and some get so caught up in the kool-aid that they ask to franchise the stuff so they can peddle it to other unsuspecting folk.

An example of this can be seen, ironically, in our recruiter. He started in October. His last day is Wednesday. Which is too bad for Earnesto, because it means the person he was counting on to find my replacement will not be there. Which kind of means it will be a long time before there is a replacement. Oops!

Scenario 3: They saw behind the curtain
Last year for Camille's birthday, we, plus Renaldo, went to lunch. This was still when Renaldo was having a death-crush on Camille, and as part of his awkward ritual mating dance he had the Hopes & Dreams talk. Way too early in the wooing, buddy. No wonder you failed. But even at the time it was apparent that of the three of us, I was a #2, and they were going to either be lifers or have a #3 moment sometime soon. hopes and dreams don't make it very long here.

Think about it in these terms: Under the guise of 'creative engines,' the place sucks hopes and dreams up and then uses them to power the institution's Project Negative Value. I envision the movement to be similar to that of the beast in Yeats' poem "The Second Coming," slouching towards the target.

When people see past the eyewash and the kool-aid, what they basically see is the machine room of the Hopes & Dreams giant vacuum, and scales fall from eyes quickly. This is how we lose the most promising talent. They go and say, hey, if there is going to be a wizard behind the curtain, it should be something that grants wishes, or at least looks like Cary Grant, and not something that will eventually see me a dried up old bag with no additional training. And then they leave (usually not until I have told them something embarrassing about myself; they have phenomenal interrogation skills).

alack! alas!

I spoke too soon when I said yesterday that I was feeling unsmirchable, even if it involved Rusty. Last night I had this very besmirching dream about him. I will have to undergo therapy relating to it for several years, if not decades.

What can cleanse my mind? Perhaps some eyewash?

give me $3K and a eurail pass and i'll show you a good time

in the non-prostitute sense.

at this point, pretty much un-smirchable

When I was in high school, I participated in that time honored tradition of mediocrity: zero-period health. nothing says that "this isn't important" like having it start at ridiculously early hours. And the teacher was really the coach of the varsity baseball team, because we believe that it is the duty of academic integrity to suffer in the face of athleticism. This fellow thought, as I have mentioned before, that most of the best health knowledge could be gleaned from made-for-tv movies and very special episodes, and films starring comedians named Bill (What About Bob, I hate that movie, but I am okay with When Harry Met Sally).

We once watched the cinematic masterpiece of the small-silver-screen that was the movie in the which Fred Savage is a high school wrestler who abused his girlfriend Candace Cameron and then kills her and puts her body in the lake. Come on Fred, couldn't you think of somewhere more creative to put your dead? The lake is soooo cliché.

Anyway, after this one and the movie Sleeping with the Enemy, Mr. Coach then taught us what to say if we are in an abusive relationship.

PAUSE: THIS IS A DISCLAIMER. I am not trying to say abusive relationships are funny, or that what follows is a useful technique is escaping one. I'm trying to point out the stupidity of the technique. Don't get mad and read me lectures about how my insensitive soul will be forever cursed. It is a well-known fact I gambled away my soul in '01. UNPAUSE

As I was saying, Mr. Coach told us we should look the person in the eye and say forcefully, but calmly the following phrase.

"Look, (place name here), It's Over."

Then apparently the abuser will be enlightened and contrite and wish you well for the future and will not be tempted to kill you and put your body in the lake/bay/body of water.

So, as much as I've made fun of this, and I have, I kind of feel like I have said, 'look, workplace and Earnesto, It's Over.' But it worked this time. I feel borderline euphoric. So when I have had to interact with Rusty these last few days, I didn't have the smirched feeling he usually causes. I have become un-smirchable. Awesome. On the chart of awesome-osity that is my life, that rates right up there with my Mr. Popper's Penguins and Thom Yorke Dream. It's a pretty sweet dream. And it's pretty sweet that finally I can thumb my nose at the collective insanity that is this place.

the word is out

I went public (as in my workplace public, as opposed to the internet public) with my plans to quit on December 6. So now I have to field the questions of what next.

I DON'T KNOW.

So stop asking me.

Also something that should be a bolster to my self-esteem, but has turned out to be a little creepy is the strong reaction I receive from some people. I have only worked here 18 months. We can't be that close. So stop crying, or telling me how sad it is. Please stop trying to talk me out of it. I now have sound medical advice that backs up what little sanity I have left that considers it for the best of the entire world that I do not remain in this job.

And I have decided, despite the fact that this is a rare opportunity, I should probably pass on the going-away party. Because if I have to plan it, not nice things will happen. As in, Mutually assured destruction not nice. Plus, it's not in the budget. And having spent most of my time here having to be an evil queen of numbers, I should probably not go out with the fanfare. Plus, I'm not fond of brass.

crisis at the message centre

Timmy is injured! Luckily, not a horrible season ending sort of injury, but still, injured. I hate Clumsy James Jones for his futile attempts to stop Timmy's greatness. For that, mr. stupid-leg-in-the-way should be sentenced to the circle of the Inferno where the people where lead robes and are forced to walk in never-ending circles around a roasting fire. That is the weight of guilt. If it had been a acl tear, I don't think Dante described a level severe enough.

This whole incident has been enough to expel the sparkle in my heart which was disguising my space there, and it has brought to the forefront the black spot on my soul.

UPDATE:

Ok, here is something that makes this a tiny bit better.



I love these boys!

jack

I bought some new shoes tonight. Exciting! I saw them and wanted them because made me think of sweaters for my feet. Also Exciting!

But in describing them to family and friends, I realized I liked them because they remind me of my high school English teacher, Jack. There are a very few people that I wish came in pocket size so I could keep them around for reference. Jack is one of them. Since people do not come in pocket size, maybe in shoe-representation is the next best thing.



Yes, I know they are not blue,like I talked about before, but they are Jack-ish. Davey G. shoes will have to wait. But he is still my favorite.

i got a dollar (and happy birthday)

In the mail today, someone who wanted our business sent us a dollar. I like to think of it as them sending me a dollar. Either way, I'm keeping it. Want shall I do with my dollar, all crisp and new? Maybe I'll splurge and spend it all at the vending machine. Maybe I'll go to the Dollar Store. Maybe I'll fold it into a ring and propose to the next hot guy I meet.

Or . . .
Maybe I'll use it to start the slush fund to found my crime syndicate
Maybe I'll use it bribe a corrupt official
Maybe I'll keep it as a souvenir of my days here
Maybe use it to give someone a paper cut
Or maybe I'll put it in my purse and use it to tip the next delivery person.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVEY G!!!! YOU"RE MY FAVORITE DAVE EVER!! I hope life and the wife are treating your well in Austin.

Maybe I'll use my dollar to buy awesome blue shoes like the ones that Davey G. used to wear. Yep, maybe that's what I will do.

all you need to know

So I scammed a copy of the latest Kent cd off my brother until I can get my own. I have to say, so far almost everything they have done I end up liking after enough plays. But the last cd was pretty awesome, Du & Jag Dogen (throw an accent or something in there) and even thought the only words of Swedish that I speak are pretty useless and couldn't form a sentence (mostly nouns), I loved it. It even had a few tracks that made it onto my top super-most-coveted playlist. So when my brother said this latest guy had gone in an 80s direction, I had some qualms. Are we talking Early Madonna 80s, The Cure 80s, or U2 80s?, because in my mind, only one of these was truly ever acceptable, even in the 80s, the one in the middle.

But you know, there are just some bands that, unless they launch a hydrogen bomb, you find a way to really get into it. And I did. It's Kent, that's all I need to know.

And Paul, you said you like Ingenting, which is good, but I think my favorite may be Columbus, or maybe Elephanter.

And I still have no idea what they are saying. None whatsoever.

shiny new and technological

What's more exciting: Tim Duncan being officially and correctly listed on the NBA All-Star Ballot, or the fact I actually figured out how to include the link to voting (widgit, whatever) in my blog.? I sure am not-knowing-what-I am-doing really well. So if you care, please vote, and make sure you vote for Tim Duncan.

the things i have learned

As I said before, I am in charge of Marie's farewell, Beer and Oysters on the beach. As I said before, I am not fond of either of these items. But luckily, Pierre is going to manfully step up on the seafood end and order the oysters and assume responsibility when the bill comes to something ridiculous and Earnesto chokes on his redbull when he has to sign the invoice. Way to go Pierre. I deeply appreciate you for this.

Still, this leaves the beer to me, not a beer aficionado. I was told it needed to be a keg. I have definitely never gotten a keg. Unless you are talking about a keg of hot chocolate for cold carolers, that I have done more than once, along with the stocking of one Pink Pam Manner's Silver Samovar with wedding punch. That's just how I roll. But kegs, no, not in my line.

But apparently in my line of duty. I now have to find the most recent male college graduate and find out how one goes about this. Maybe I'll charm someone into taking this one over. If not, I will be sure to add it to my skill set on my resumé: Able to Procure Kegs on appropriate occasions.

Maybe one day I will show you a brief glance at my resumé. It has become something of a joke.

look at you and your awful hair

Someone must have let Hugh know that a person could make an accurate guess at his mental health based on the flop-activity of his flopsome hair, because he has cut it. Now it just looks like hair any guy could have. It's terrible. Looks like someone is getting his game-face on. I don't think your fooling anyone buddy. And you look like you are five.

plotting a karaoke ambush

In my position at this institution, I have been in the position to plan many a going-away "parties." That is put in quotes because sometimes it is a party, sometimes a funeral, sometimes just a going through the motions, and sometimes, like with good-old Battleaxe, it was a chance to kick 'em while they're down/dance on grave. Next up is Marie's farewell: Beer and oysters on the beach. I applaud her simple vision, but can't help but think of the irony that she wants to feed a bunch of people oysters after an oil spill. Neither of the above items really appeals to me, yet I have to plan. It's proving to be a bit sticky, but I will contrive.

But it begs the question: Who will plan my party? Marie will be gone. Earnesto doesn't do details. That is the extent of my lauded department. Conclusion, I will plan my party.

This simultaneously sucks and has it's benefits. Foremost amongst the benefits is that I will allow myself to do whatever is in my imagination. I was talking to the head of HR about it, and she said it sounded pretty awesome. Complete Carte Blanche.

So when I come up with a devilishly good idea(with my creative engines) (and I have) like making it a karaoke party, and asking Earnesto to sing a song for my final request, I will not shoot my idea down. I will say instead, "Self, that sounds like a capital idea, and well within the budget I have established for this party." And Then I will say "Self, thanks for understanding what I am trying to envision." Fabulous. Finally, I get to plot my karaoke ambush.

As for songs that I will ask for Earnesto to sing, I will take written submissions. Although I would love to have it be something like "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Or something by Debbie Harry or Madonna. Or Barry Manilow. There are just so many ways to be cruel on this one.

this cupcake's for you

So, near my place of work is a fine establishment, a purveyor of cupcakes. I love these cupcakes. Brilliant and tasty. Today, in celebration of my quitting, me and Camille went to lunch and then to the cupcake store. I had a sweet chocolate cupcake, and I would like to say, this cupcake is for everyone who has ever been in a work situation that is untenable. It represents the sweet and rich creamy goodness of giving that crappy job the proverbial finger as you leave to do anything but that. Including being unemployed.

So, when I announced I was quitting, Earnesto said that I was too ambitious for this job. Since when is asking for some feedback ambitious? Not accepting mediocrity is not ambition, it is sanity.

As I once said to my #2 favorite Dave, this cupcake's for you, all those who know they are for better things than the dust they have shaken from their feet.

ticket to ride

So, my high school prom, which I did not go to because my brain was still nestled firmly in my noggin, had the theme of "Ticket to Ride" and was held in a train station. I hear it was enjoyable.

No Comment.

But now it is my favorite game, which I have used the online version to replace pirate quizzes as my favorite on-the-job timekill.

And, as simultaneously an aside and the purpose of this entry, I quit my job. My last day is January 4.

I actually quit my job last week, during the break of a MEETING OF DOOM, in which Earnesto convinced people to back his plan for Project Negative Value despite the overwhelming evidence that forecasts failure. I had it planned, but I didn't mean to say it than. It was like, "Oops, I quit."

So, you may notice some changes to the format of this page. Because finally, I am doing what I said all along I should do. What I wrote about from entry 1.

And I have no idea what I am going to do next. So please, take a moment and give a recommendation. PLEASE!

not with a bang

Ignore the title of this blog. Every once in a while, I get the urge to quote, and in the absence of having something to truly say relevant to the topic, I will misappropriate and write about other things. Like my weekend.

So, this weekend, my friend and I went to SFMOMA to take advantage of a neat trick I have of getting in free. Unfortunately, this Saturday it was not such a great trick, since, thanks to Oracle, it was a "Free4All" day. So, we spent the day rubbing elbows+ with the outpouring of the cheap and cultured (and that includes me). Still, it was cool to see the art again, and be with a friend. We didn't get to see the special Olafur Eliasson Exhibit, because we are not crazy enough to wait an hour to go up to the 4th floor. I've seen it before, and it's pretty awesome, but not 1 hour of standing in line awesome. To make up for it, we went to the much-acclaimed gift shop of SFMOMA. I admit to being a skeptic of the claims of its amazingness, but, indeed, it did rock my world. Not enough for me to pay insane prices and wait in yet another line of death (Note, lines do seem to be a problem at SFMOMA, we didn't see the BMW art-car either because of the lines).

Then we meandered to MOAD, or the Museum of the African Diaspora. I know what prompted the question, but it opened with the line "When did you find out that you were African?" Fine, whatever, except I am pretty much Wonder-bread white, and so it amuses me when they try to make sweeping statements like this. I know, they are saying all human life came from Africa. I get it. And African Culture permeates everything. But still, I smiled. Also, let me add that though a delightful space, MOAD is not equipped to fit the number of people packt like sardines in a crushd tin box.

Finally, we ended it by wandering through the rainy-day streets and shopping. Okay, I spent all the money. But I bought my favorite game, Ticket to Ride, and some music. Then I went home and played the game online for hours with my sisters. Happiness through Technology, people.

Another thing of note of Saturday was the USCv.UCB football game. I used to follow college football with the same fervor you now see exerted towards the NBA, but I was quickly cured of that by going to a college football game. I now find it slightly baffling that as many people from USC should be descending upon Berkeley like a hoard of locusts. Don't you have other responsibilities? They were everywhere. In the museums, in the stores, on BART, walking noisily by my house after they won the game. I tell you, it didn't help endear them to me.

Now I will work, until 3, when I will be playing trains again online with my sisters.

another blog? no one reads this one

Okay, I know three of you do, but really, you probably know that really isn't enough to justify the amount of time, minimal that it is, that I spend on this. Yet, be relieved all those people who pay attention and don't care about basketball etc, I am trying out blogging on the fan part of espn.com. We'll see how this goes. Don't expect me never to bring up sports, but count your blessings, because it spared you a detailed argument about trades. The platform still needs some work, but oh well.

penta-annual faulknerian (near) non-fiction: it'll make you stab your eyeballs out

This is a post for everyone who has ever had to write a scholarly paper in the general field of the humanities, specifically in English. Do you recall the time spent crafting a sentence to say exactly what you mean, pouring through words and phrases until something would click? When there was very little difference to be found between content and style because the two were inextricably linked. Then I recommend that you never have a go at editing the report that is now sitting on my desk.

Usually a visceral reaction to a written work can be considered a good thing. But it has to be for all the best reasons. If the reason is because it is so terrible, so full of errors and inappropriate tone, than no, not awesome.

Granted, this blog is hardly a stylistic achievement of greatness. But it's informal. I don't care, and if you are fretting about my abysmal punctuation, I have to say, get a life. This is something I write on the sly, like when I'm editing papers that make me cry (I wept on the way home last night thinking about how bad this was: truly wretched).

A report that you do five times a year, prepared for your Board of Directors, should not be this bad. It really shouldn't be bad at all, but if it has to be less than stellar, make it M.O.R, or mediocre. It shouldn't be this bad: it could be spread around it leaflets and used as a torture device.

And such a report should have a formal tone. If there is money on the line and it doesn't involve a lotto ticket, you should be formal. You can be conversational without becoming a servant of an Editorial Demon.

Curse you Earnesto, and your report as well.